So I've decided that maybe I would like to keep a blog. I tried myspace, but it seems the world has already grown tired of myspace. So on to the next craze I suppose. I am easily drafted onto bandwagons that have something do to with writing.
What has been happening recently for me is this, I have been in a state of unknowing. I am currently a pre-music ed major at OSU. Pre meaning that I have not yet been accepted. Yay me. This lack of acceptance has been wearing at my self esteem for some time and has now reached the point where it has penetrated the chink in my armor. I have been quite distressed and not sure how to overcome this. I feel that in the midst of this confidence corroding nightmare I have been riding for the past three years if honestly has it's way, that I have deteriorated from the person I once was. I expected to change after high school, sadly who and what I have become is not what I had in mind. Nor is it acceptable. On this topic I am equally lost as to the solution. Therefore, I have been in a state of unknowing. Unknowing why I am so far from where I thought I would be, and unknowing as to how to find my path again, and definitely unknowing as to how to get back on that path assuming I do find it. But what if that is not the path I should be on? Certainly whatever I am doing now is not working, which leads me to assume that whatever I have done over the past three years must be in some way flawed. So how would I know if the path I am "supposed" to be on would in fact be right at all? I don't. So I am investigating other paths, other options. Not too far from the original, we all now how I fear change, but something. Something more meaningful perhaps. Something truly worth getting up in the morning for. As I said before, I don't know.
I am very glad that you got this blog. Now I kind of understan what you've been going through. I am always here for you, day or night. LYLAS.
ReplyDeleteI think that just the fact that you can recognize these things and actually do something about it shows how strong you are. I'm with ya as long as you're happy. :-)
ReplyDeleteWell to start, I will address the first part about actually starting this blog. I think its great that you have started anything that will allow you express yourself in words. Especially in a way available to other people. It’s a great way to let people see whats going on in your life with still allowing to have private blogs for private thoughts. I hope it helps you vent and open up about what is going on and how you are feeling. If this helps you even in the slightest I highly recommend sticking with it. I know you have an easier time writing than speaking about emotions so its good to get I out the best way you can. Im glad you are doing this.
ReplyDeleteI know it’s hard for you to not be in your major. I know it has upset you since day one and has wearing thin everyday. I wish I could help you overcome this and all of your problems. But you are now at the point of your life where personal decisions need to be made with no influence but your own. Do not get me wrong though. I am not leaving you high and dry. I am here for you and you have my full support and love no matter what happens and no matter what you choose to do. Unfortunately we have all changed since high school. I never expected to either and I wish I hadn’t. But we can’t spend all our time worrying about how to get back to where and who we were in high school. Instead we need to spend our time trying to make who we are now into who we want to become and how it is that we can make this new us into something we ourselves can be ok with. Be who you want to be and who you feel you are but you wont get there regretting that you aren’t there. I know you aren’t where you planned on being at this point in time of your life and I know that times when you are where you planned on being, I know that it doesn’t feel like it was supposed to or how you thought it would. I wish this was not the case and I hope with more time all your dreams come true and feel how you always imagined them. Being in a state of unknowing always sucks and is nerve racking and confusing as fuck. As for the path to get there or back, with constant effort and work and support from friends and family you will eventually make a new path. Keep your faith strong in God, yourself and your friends and family and things will happen easier. I might not give the best advice on being confused whether or not you are on or pursuing the right path. I too constantly doubt my paths. But I can promise that you have my full support and all of my love. No matter what happens or what you do, this will always remain true. I love you Natasha and you will always have my support whether or not I know what advice to give you or whether or not you need advice. I am always here for you no matter what is going on with my own life or our relationship. You are my best friend and I am yours. I may not be as good as I used to be at the advice giving and I may do a real shitty job of letting my presence/support being known. For this I am especially sorry. I want you to know you can still come to me with anything and everything. We should never come before our friendship. Never feel like you can’t tell me something or come to me just because we are together. I understand wanting something more meaningful. There are so many options out there and it is never too late to find or start something new. And no one ever said you have to pick just one. You love to write and you are good at it. You love theatre and you are good at it. There are so many things you love to do. Those are things that are meaningful. Find the things that are meaningful to yourself and then expand on them and make what you do and how you do it meaningful to the world or those you love. Start with yourself. Then make your place and your difference. Don’t just look for something that will leave your mark on the world or that people will respect you for. It needs to be something for you. Your passion is what will decide whether or not you will do well at whatever you decide to do. You are full of passion for the things you love Natasha. And when you do something you love to do, you do it wholeheartedly and it shows. If you choose something for yourself in life then as you do it you will change lives and touch others and leave your mark on this world. I know you will be great at anything you decide to do as long as you continue to love it and not doubt yourself. You are a strong person Natasha. I honestly believe you can do anything you want to do if you do try to and set your mind to it. Sometimes things get hard and sometimes things fall apart, never give up on yourself or your faith. But also never settle for something that no longer makes you happy. Do something you love and love to do and with that you will accomplish your hearts desires and hopefully doing something you love will bring nothing but happiness to you life and future. I love you Natasha as my best friend and my girlfriend and as someone who I will spend the rest of my life and future with. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be great at whatever it is you choose to do with your life. I love you! I am always here for you. <3 Amours Toujours!