o,dp,vs....oops my fingers ran away from home....

Insomnia. That is all.

Extra Extra Read All About It....

Well ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I am officially an English major. I will most likely do a music minor, because let’s face it, I love music. But as of 1:15 today I became an English Pre-Education major and joined the ranks of snobby whores everywhere. Fear not, I still can’t spell to save my life, I still don’t think I’m better than you, and I still don’t care if your grammar is terrible. I am just so excited to be able to do this. I can’t wait to take classes where I have 15 page papers to write and 6 books to read. I mean that. I can’t wait to teach, and I can’t wait to make lesson plans. Welcome to my new life.

At long last, a verdict has been reached.....

You know what I have realized? That I do not want to be a music major. It’s not a matter of anything but that, I don’t want to. I don’t enjoy it and it’s not what I want. This may sound strange, it sounded strange to me. I thought it was stressing me out because it was hard and I felt insignificant, but it turns out it was stressing me out and making me feel insignificant because it’s not right for me. I was sitting in my Aural exam (shut up, it’s aural not oral) and it wasn’t nearly as hard or stressful as I thought it was going to be. At first I was really excited, like “Hey I can do this major after all yay.”, but then I got really sad. Like disappointed. Disappointed that I couldn’t do the English thing. That made me realize, I don’t really want to be music major. I’ve always wanted to teach, but I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of being a teacher because I have had some really bad teachers in my time. But being a band director was a totally safe way to be a teacher without falling into any of the bad stereotypes I had for teachers. Now that of course is not the only reason I wanted to be a band director. I love music, I love band, and I would love to lead a band, write music and drills and teach music. However… in school I would always catch myself noticing what teachers were doing in class and thinking of what I would do differently, but I would always check myself on it. Now I don’t feel the need too. I am very excited about this. I am very excited to be an English teacher. That’s what I’m going to do. I am going to be an English major with a pre-education option. I am so excited about it. I’m glad I realized that all the uncertainty I was feeling about music and what I wanted to do is because I just wasn’t pursuing what I actually want to do. I am even happier that I have realized what I really want to do and I am ecstatic to begin. Don’t get me wrong, I am still going to pursue music, just not in the way that I had originally planned. I still love music, I am still passionate about music, but doing it as a major was sucking the life out of it for me. That was unacceptable. So now that I have realized what I am actually meant to do, I can go back to happily enjoying and learning about music in peace. I finally know something. I am going to be an English major. Hah.

Blessed are the meak for they will inherit the world.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know how to really open myself up to God and that bothers me. I feel like I will never know the answers that I’m seeking until I learn to listen to Him. I’m just not sure how to actually do that. I should definitely figure that out if I plan on working in the ministry. Or maybe it’s just something I will find along the way. Either way I can see that God has blessed me and continues to bless me again and again. It bothers me knowing that I don’t deserve these blessing, although I am eternally thankful for them. I wish I didn’t feel like I was wasting the blessing He’s given me. I don’t know what chance I’m on but God has given me more chances, been more patient and encouraging than I could have ever imagined. I fully believe that if God didn’t have something important in mind for me that I would have died in that car crash. I know it. I know that God saved me from that. God and nothing else. No miracle of machinery or technology, no skill or luck on my part, no aero dynamical equation, no. Nothing but God and His loving hand saved me from dying in that crash. I walked away from what could have been a fatal crash with only a tender ribcage to remind me that I am not indestructible. God pulled me from what could have been and probably should have been death. God saved me. God saved me for a reason. I want to know what it is. I want to fulfill God’s purpose for me. God saved my life so I could live for Him and I want to spend my live doing what He saved me to do. The only problem is I don’t know what that is. I feel terrible that God saved me and I am not thanking Him every day by living the life He set out for me. I wish I knew what to do. I feel like I have fallen so far from what God wants of me. Fallen so far from where I once was. At least then there had been hope for me. I feel like I have lost hope and faith in myself. I only hope that God hasn’t. I feel as though He hasn’t. He is still blessing me, giving me little signs, little miracles here and there to remind me that He’s there and He loves me. He answers my important prayers and I like to think is amused by my unimportant ones. I know that God is present in my life and I feel Him very strongly right now as I write this. Maybe this is the answer….just to tell people about God. About how God has saved me and continues to save me. Maybe that is the life God wants me to lead. I don’t know. Maybe. There is always hope.

And now we must find a way to keep the blind from leading the blind.

Ok well now that most of you have found me, let’s do another. I am considering work in the ministry or maybe being an English or drama teacher. I really don’t want to stop the music, but the thing is I think I may be tone deaf. I can tell when notes change, I can tell if the new note is higher or lower than the first note, but I can’t figure out what either note is, and I can’t tell how far the new note is away from the old note. This is causing a major problem. This inability to “hear” is making me feel even more inadequate than I already did. I do not like the competition at Ohio State. That aside, when I feel overwhelmed with inadequacy I tend to shut down. I don’t know how to fix a problem so I avoid it. Fantastic coping method. Not. Anyway…. I feel like I cannot do this whole music thing properly. Also I feel like I do not fit in personally with the way these “music” people act. Like I always fit in with the band kids, but the “music majors” are all a certain kind of person, and I don’t fit. The way they talk, the way they act, the way they behave, they all seem so refined with a sense of humor that makes no sense to me. I think I am much more of a theatre person now than a music person. And that’s ok, I just don’t know if not being a music person is ok. Like if today I decide I would rather teach English or drama, am I going to hate myself tomorrow for not teaching band? I’m wondering what you think. Would I make an ok English teacher? Drama teacher? Pastor? Should I stay with band? I don’t know. A little advice while I research? I don’t know. That seems to be my theme. I don’t know.

Another shot in the dark, hoping to hit a moment of understanding

So I've decided that maybe I would like to keep a blog. I tried myspace, but it seems the world has already grown tired of myspace. So on to the next craze I suppose. I am easily drafted onto bandwagons that have something do to with writing.

What has been happening recently for me is this, I have been in a state of unknowing. I am currently a pre-music ed major at OSU. Pre meaning that I have not yet been accepted. Yay me. This lack of acceptance has been wearing at my self esteem for some time and has now reached the point where it has penetrated the chink in my armor. I have been quite distressed and not sure how to overcome this. I feel that in the midst of this confidence corroding nightmare I have been riding for the past three years if honestly has it's way, that I have deteriorated from the person I once was. I expected to change after high school, sadly who and what I have become is not what I had in mind. Nor is it acceptable. On this topic I am equally lost as to the solution. Therefore, I have been in a state of unknowing. Unknowing why I am so far from where I thought I would be, and unknowing as to how to find my path again, and definitely unknowing as to how to get back on that path assuming I do find it. But what if that is not the path I should be on? Certainly whatever I am doing now is not working, which leads me to assume that whatever I have done over the past three years must be in some way flawed. So how would I know if the path I am "supposed" to be on would in fact be right at all? I don't. So I am investigating other paths, other options. Not too far from the original, we all now how I fear change, but something. Something more meaningful perhaps. Something truly worth getting up in the morning for. As I said before, I don't know.