A new beginning into the world of unknown

Katrina introduced me to a fantastic concept today. November is apparently National Novel Writing Month. What a fantastic birthday present...to write a novel. It's wonderful. I don't know how I missed this information on my own but I am incredibly grateful to Katrina for bringing it to my attention. There is even a website to help encourage, motivate and keep track of your progress with writing your novel this month. They call it thirty days of literary abandon. I like that. It's fantastic. The point is just to write. It doesn't have to be good, they encourage you not to edit until you are finished, and it doesn't have to be your greatest ideas either. They just want you to write. It's wonderful. I'm about ten days behind but I feel ok about that. I have enough enthusiasm about this to feel like I can go the distance anyway. Of course that being said it is only day one for me. The hardest part is yet to come. The site has a word count goal of 50,000 words. That sounds like a lot but a lot of people have already done it in only ten days. Ok that's a little extreme for me, but I like the idea of writing towards a goal which encourages me to write every day. In addition to signing up on the (free) site to keep track of my word count and spy on other people doing the same thing, I have also decided to take up the 500 word a day challenge. Something that at least during the month of November will be absolutely necessary if I hope to reach the end goal of 50,000 words, but is a reasonable goal for the entire year. It forces (gently) me to write everyday, a significant enough amount that I might actually accomplish something but is a small enough number that I can manage it without feeling overwhelmed. So far today, not counting this blog, school or socially related things I have written 1,688 words. Phenomenal considering the fact that other than a random poem here and there and some "oh i don't want to forget this line" I haven't written anything since my play in 2007. That's pretty bad taking into account the fact that I want to consider myself a writer. I encourage any writer or would be writer to do this. Either take advantage of National Novel Writing Month or take up the 500 word a day challenge. Or both! (There is also a 1000 word a day challenge for those who have more faith in themselves...or no job.) The link to the website for the month of writing is http://www.nanowrimo.org/, and the web page describing the daily work count challenge is http://www.inkygirl.com/500-words-a-day-challenge/ . That link is for the 500 count, but the site contains a link for the 1000 count. No matter what happens here, I am uber excited about this whole experience. This novel may turn out to be a flop but I don't care. It already has me writing, motivated, feeling like a writer and feeling like I have a purpose, so screw the outcome, this is about the process/ =)

P.S. This blog fulfills my challenge at a grand total of 545 words. =)

Wants

I want to be with my family. I want to serve God. I want to write. I want to be a good person. I want to have friends and be a good friend. I want to help people. I want to belong. I want to mean something to this world, to someone, to anyone. I want to feel like I am not wasting my life every day. If I die tomorrow I want to go to Heaven and I want my life to have mattered. If I die and St. Peter greets me and says what have you done with your life I want to have an answer other than "I wanted things". This is what I want. What am I doing to get any of this? Hmmm..... Good question. Let me get back to you on that. ........ If anyone knows someplace that is hiring let me know. Because I also want to be able to pay my rent. =P Just thought I would blog since I haven't and writing is one of the things I want to do....... Yeah. It might make a difference if more than 3 or 4 people read this, but probably not. Ok then. On with life.

And the truth shall set you free

I feel like life is fake. It doesn't have to be but I feel like it is. I feel like I am not sure who I am. I am trying to figure this out. In the meantime I seem to be ruining relationships with people I love. I don't mean to be doing this. The things I know for sure; I love Jesus, my family and my true friends. What I don't know for sure; everything else. Including who my true friends are. This is not some outreach freakout. I am not going to assume everyone who doesn't read this isn't my friend. You have better things to do. Thats fine. I do too....I think. But anyway. I'm going to try to blog again, because it seemed to help last time. I'm going to be honest to the best of my ability because I'm tired of lies. I'm tired of sugarcoated crap. I'm tired of not knowing what is for me and what is for someone else. I'm tired. I'm done. I'm done lying to you to let you keep your image of me intact. I'm done lying to myself for the same reason. I'm done. Call it a mental breakdown, call it self-discovery, call it growing up. Whatever you call it, I'm in it. If you don't like me anymore, thats fine. I'm sorry to lose you, but I can't pretend I'm something I'm not just to keep you when you will probably leave me someday anyway. Truth shouldn't hurt. I don't know why it does. I'm going to figure myself out now. I invite you to be a part of it. I would like that. Honestly.

Thinking of .....

I have food, clean water, a loving family and a magnificent God. All in all I am very blessed. My two brothers and my nephew are the greatest gifts I can imagine receiving from the Lord. I am eternally grateful for them, and for my wonderful loving parents. I am grateful that my life has been so blessed. I truly am. But what do I do about it? Do I deserve it? The truth is that no, I do not deserve it and I have done comparatively nothing to show God my thanks for it. That is not ok. God in His grace has given me more than I could have asked for. He has saved me both spiritually and physically. But I have done nothing for Him. Why is this? Why when we have everything do we give nothing back? In the Bible Jesus says “freely you have received, freely you shall give”. We of America, of basically anyone not in poverty, have essentially everything we need. In spite of the economic recession or depression or plummet, most of us still have food on the table, a roof over our heads, family around us and love in our hearts. Why then can we not look to our neighbor who has none of these things and share? When we have been blessed so greatly, why must we horde our blessings to ourselves when others go without? How is that fair? How is that right? How is that Christian? How is that humane? The answer is simple. It’s not. It is not right to sit there enjoying your warm house, your snug clothes, your hot meal, your safe beverages and not think of those who are sleeping on the ground naked, starving and dehydrated. It is not right, but it is what we do. I am guilty of it too. I don’t believe we do it out of hate or even indifference, we just don’t connect to it because it is not happening to us. It is a careless oversight, not hate, but that doesn’t make it ok. I don’t want to ignore the crying souls of our world and even our own country as I indulge in my super size fast food in front of my laptop or TV. I don’t want to walk past the homeless on the street like I don’t see them. I don’t want to have to explain to my children someday that millions of children just like them have died and are dying in my lifetime and I have done nothing to help them. If it were my child, my brother, my nephew, my parents or cousin in these conditions would I not do everything in my power to help them? What about you? If your family were suddenly in unimaginable conditions, and you were where you are right now, would you not do something, anything to help them? I know you would. I know I would. But since the problem is far from home we don’t see it. We don’t like to think about it. We want to walk away from it. It’s not us, and it is not here. It is not our everyday lives so we don’t have to deal with it. We don’t have to, but we should. I should. I need to. I cannot continue living a life in which every day passes by and I have everything and give nothing. I cannot do it. As a Christian, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, as a human, I cannot do it. I don’t know what I can do to help. My yearning to help may yield nothing. I may spend my entire life searching for a way to help, to reach out and never actually accomplish anything. But I have to try. If I can help one child live for one more day, let one person know that someone does care, save one person in anyway, then my life will have been well lived. Otherwise what is the point? I have made a lot of Christian references in this letter, and that may have scared some of you away. It shouldn’t. I would feel sympathy for others pain with or without my God or religion telling me to do so. My belief in God or your disbelief in God, or your belief in something besides my God does not change the reality of the situation. People are starving and dying. If we can help in any way, shouldn’t we? I am not perfect, and I don’t expect you to be. I am not trying to preach at you or make you feel bad. But I feel bad, and I want to do something about it. Maybe you do too. Maybe together, you and I can change the world. Maybe we can save someone. Isn’t it worth trying?

This diva needs her stage

So it is 6:30 in the morning and I have been up all night looking for a show I could audition for. I need to act. It hurts. It is a tangible physical pain. I miss it. I need it. I need to either act or stage manage. Hell I would settle for being the lowest techy on the totem pole. I just need theatre. It has been too long. It’s like fire in my chest and its making me nervous and twitchy. I can’t find a single freaking show though. Effing auditions for the theatre department here took place last quarter, aka the quarter of doom. Needless to say I missed them. Auditions for the summer show in Springfield are tomorrow and Saturday, not freaking likely. Plus I am apparently at an age where stage acting is null. I am too old to play a child and too young to play an adult. Where are the shows for those of us between puberty and midlife crisis? What I really want is to be in a legitimate show. I want so bad to be in “Phantom” or “Wicked” or “Rent” or “Into the Woods” those are all musicals…sue me. No where seems to have any friggin auditions coming up. I’ve either missed them already or they don’t exist. I literally typed in Ohio theatre into Google and looked at every single listing that came up. Every. Single. One. Can you even imagine? Yeah, the closest thing I found was “Assassins”, but my age is my enemy as far as that goes cuz the female roles call for 30’s. Yeah, I doubt I can pull of 30. Anyway, it hurts and I need it to stop. I may see if I can work for Dan and Geoff at the Pac this summer just to get near it. I can run spot or something. It may not be Stage Manager and it may not be Leading Lady, but at least its stage. It’s like a drug and I’m going through withdrawal. *Takes a deep breath.* I need my stage fix. I need a script to follow. I need a director to listen to. I need to be surrounded by divas. It’s sick but it’s true. Ahhhhh! I would do “Fuente” again at this point. That’s how bad it is. Seriously. If I had ANY free time in my schedule I would take an acting class, just to get the rust off myself. I’m this close to creating gorilla theatre just to keep myself from going insane. Ahhhh! I keep wishing I could have the Christine Daae moment when the leading lady loses her mind and someone kindly suggest that Christine could play the role and then she timidly steps forward and blows everyone away and is now the diva of the theatre and the envy of every woman on that stage. Ok mine doesn’t need to be quite that dramatic but you get the general idea. I want a lead. I want a romantic lead. In fact if I could play Christine Daae I would be ecstatic beyond my imagination. Anyway…..that is my current obsession. The need for my stage fix. I am in theatre withdrawal.

Slam the door shut, burn the bridge and see whats left in the morning.

Well this is it. The last day of this terrible quarter. For me at least. I am so sick and tired of this quarter. It has by far been my worst academic experience since ….well I’m sure you all remember. So now it is over. *takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, sighs* I am so glad it’s over. Let us leave it far behind us and never return to it. Ever. That is the only good thing about the past, it is over. We cannot go back. Of course sometimes this is the reason the past is bad, but in this case I am happy to leave the past far behind me. (I’ll just hope it doesn’t do what the past has such a tendency to do and creep up on me later when I am least expecting it…) I’ll leave the mathematics and mechanics of suffering in a major I no longer enjoy to fade into nothing but memories. What a nice thought. I thank you for taking the journey with me, those of you who have. Here’s to a better future and a happier life.

Happy St. Patrick’s day as well.

Spring Break ....or so it would seem.....

What is a break? A break is meant to be a time to relax. A time to forget about your worries and responsibilities. A time to sit back and evaluate where you are and where you would like to be. A time to decide if the work is worth the prize, if the pleasure’s worth the pain. Sometimes a break feels like it has been a long time coming. Sometimes a break feels like it’s exactly what you need. But sometimes not. Sometimes the idea of a break is scary. What if the break ruins the direction of the work? What if the break makes you not want to work anymore? What if the break makes you realize that you like the break better than what you have been doing, so you don’t do anything anymore? What if a break makes you give up everything? Still, if treated properly a break can be a well deserved nap, a small vacation away from the day to day stress that is life. Hopefully this break will be a positive reinforcement of what I have believed in. Hopefully this break will strengthen my passions, not make me abandon them. Hopefully I can learn from this break how to better live my life. Hopefully this break yields happy, positive results. Hopefully this break will end.

o,dp,vs....oops my fingers ran away from home....

Insomnia. That is all.

Extra Extra Read All About It....

Well ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I am officially an English major. I will most likely do a music minor, because let’s face it, I love music. But as of 1:15 today I became an English Pre-Education major and joined the ranks of snobby whores everywhere. Fear not, I still can’t spell to save my life, I still don’t think I’m better than you, and I still don’t care if your grammar is terrible. I am just so excited to be able to do this. I can’t wait to take classes where I have 15 page papers to write and 6 books to read. I mean that. I can’t wait to teach, and I can’t wait to make lesson plans. Welcome to my new life.

At long last, a verdict has been reached.....

You know what I have realized? That I do not want to be a music major. It’s not a matter of anything but that, I don’t want to. I don’t enjoy it and it’s not what I want. This may sound strange, it sounded strange to me. I thought it was stressing me out because it was hard and I felt insignificant, but it turns out it was stressing me out and making me feel insignificant because it’s not right for me. I was sitting in my Aural exam (shut up, it’s aural not oral) and it wasn’t nearly as hard or stressful as I thought it was going to be. At first I was really excited, like “Hey I can do this major after all yay.”, but then I got really sad. Like disappointed. Disappointed that I couldn’t do the English thing. That made me realize, I don’t really want to be music major. I’ve always wanted to teach, but I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of being a teacher because I have had some really bad teachers in my time. But being a band director was a totally safe way to be a teacher without falling into any of the bad stereotypes I had for teachers. Now that of course is not the only reason I wanted to be a band director. I love music, I love band, and I would love to lead a band, write music and drills and teach music. However… in school I would always catch myself noticing what teachers were doing in class and thinking of what I would do differently, but I would always check myself on it. Now I don’t feel the need too. I am very excited about this. I am very excited to be an English teacher. That’s what I’m going to do. I am going to be an English major with a pre-education option. I am so excited about it. I’m glad I realized that all the uncertainty I was feeling about music and what I wanted to do is because I just wasn’t pursuing what I actually want to do. I am even happier that I have realized what I really want to do and I am ecstatic to begin. Don’t get me wrong, I am still going to pursue music, just not in the way that I had originally planned. I still love music, I am still passionate about music, but doing it as a major was sucking the life out of it for me. That was unacceptable. So now that I have realized what I am actually meant to do, I can go back to happily enjoying and learning about music in peace. I finally know something. I am going to be an English major. Hah.

Blessed are the meak for they will inherit the world.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know how to really open myself up to God and that bothers me. I feel like I will never know the answers that I’m seeking until I learn to listen to Him. I’m just not sure how to actually do that. I should definitely figure that out if I plan on working in the ministry. Or maybe it’s just something I will find along the way. Either way I can see that God has blessed me and continues to bless me again and again. It bothers me knowing that I don’t deserve these blessing, although I am eternally thankful for them. I wish I didn’t feel like I was wasting the blessing He’s given me. I don’t know what chance I’m on but God has given me more chances, been more patient and encouraging than I could have ever imagined. I fully believe that if God didn’t have something important in mind for me that I would have died in that car crash. I know it. I know that God saved me from that. God and nothing else. No miracle of machinery or technology, no skill or luck on my part, no aero dynamical equation, no. Nothing but God and His loving hand saved me from dying in that crash. I walked away from what could have been a fatal crash with only a tender ribcage to remind me that I am not indestructible. God pulled me from what could have been and probably should have been death. God saved me. God saved me for a reason. I want to know what it is. I want to fulfill God’s purpose for me. God saved my life so I could live for Him and I want to spend my live doing what He saved me to do. The only problem is I don’t know what that is. I feel terrible that God saved me and I am not thanking Him every day by living the life He set out for me. I wish I knew what to do. I feel like I have fallen so far from what God wants of me. Fallen so far from where I once was. At least then there had been hope for me. I feel like I have lost hope and faith in myself. I only hope that God hasn’t. I feel as though He hasn’t. He is still blessing me, giving me little signs, little miracles here and there to remind me that He’s there and He loves me. He answers my important prayers and I like to think is amused by my unimportant ones. I know that God is present in my life and I feel Him very strongly right now as I write this. Maybe this is the answer….just to tell people about God. About how God has saved me and continues to save me. Maybe that is the life God wants me to lead. I don’t know. Maybe. There is always hope.

And now we must find a way to keep the blind from leading the blind.

Ok well now that most of you have found me, let’s do another. I am considering work in the ministry or maybe being an English or drama teacher. I really don’t want to stop the music, but the thing is I think I may be tone deaf. I can tell when notes change, I can tell if the new note is higher or lower than the first note, but I can’t figure out what either note is, and I can’t tell how far the new note is away from the old note. This is causing a major problem. This inability to “hear” is making me feel even more inadequate than I already did. I do not like the competition at Ohio State. That aside, when I feel overwhelmed with inadequacy I tend to shut down. I don’t know how to fix a problem so I avoid it. Fantastic coping method. Not. Anyway…. I feel like I cannot do this whole music thing properly. Also I feel like I do not fit in personally with the way these “music” people act. Like I always fit in with the band kids, but the “music majors” are all a certain kind of person, and I don’t fit. The way they talk, the way they act, the way they behave, they all seem so refined with a sense of humor that makes no sense to me. I think I am much more of a theatre person now than a music person. And that’s ok, I just don’t know if not being a music person is ok. Like if today I decide I would rather teach English or drama, am I going to hate myself tomorrow for not teaching band? I’m wondering what you think. Would I make an ok English teacher? Drama teacher? Pastor? Should I stay with band? I don’t know. A little advice while I research? I don’t know. That seems to be my theme. I don’t know.

Another shot in the dark, hoping to hit a moment of understanding

So I've decided that maybe I would like to keep a blog. I tried myspace, but it seems the world has already grown tired of myspace. So on to the next craze I suppose. I am easily drafted onto bandwagons that have something do to with writing.

What has been happening recently for me is this, I have been in a state of unknowing. I am currently a pre-music ed major at OSU. Pre meaning that I have not yet been accepted. Yay me. This lack of acceptance has been wearing at my self esteem for some time and has now reached the point where it has penetrated the chink in my armor. I have been quite distressed and not sure how to overcome this. I feel that in the midst of this confidence corroding nightmare I have been riding for the past three years if honestly has it's way, that I have deteriorated from the person I once was. I expected to change after high school, sadly who and what I have become is not what I had in mind. Nor is it acceptable. On this topic I am equally lost as to the solution. Therefore, I have been in a state of unknowing. Unknowing why I am so far from where I thought I would be, and unknowing as to how to find my path again, and definitely unknowing as to how to get back on that path assuming I do find it. But what if that is not the path I should be on? Certainly whatever I am doing now is not working, which leads me to assume that whatever I have done over the past three years must be in some way flawed. So how would I know if the path I am "supposed" to be on would in fact be right at all? I don't. So I am investigating other paths, other options. Not too far from the original, we all now how I fear change, but something. Something more meaningful perhaps. Something truly worth getting up in the morning for. As I said before, I don't know.